PART 2 : The Pain, The Uncertainties & The Emotion Roller Coaster Ride 👣

✅ Warded 01072021 to 06072021

Such a confusing week for me sebenarnya sebab macam emosi turun naik.

Sekejap confirm operate.

Sekejap postponed sampai nurse & ppk yang bagi makan pun pening sekejap kena puasa sekejap tak payah puasa.

I lagi lah pening…

Ingat confirm dah operate 2hb sebab macam ye ye je operate, dah puasa masuk air.

Mental dah ready ni sekali dia kata kita postponed 😅

Dalam pada postponed tu kan?

Nak tahu tak hopes nak ada normal pregnancy & the fetus survive tu makin menebal. Apatah lagi bleeding reducing.

I was like aku sebenarnya ok ke tak ni?

Can i actually turn out ada normal pregnancy, and the pain is there but reducing?

Sakit masih ada but reducing trend.

If gerak banyak, or buat kerja fokus baru sakit datang teruk + darah banyak. Otherwise sakit tu masih boleh tahan and darah not so much. Instead of pad panty liner pun dah ok.

Masa ni harapan untuk dapat baby no 3 tu macam terbit. Eventhough terkejut upt positive and we didnt expect it tapi bila i tengok postive je my hope goes up because i dont mind to have a third one.

But unfortunately beta hcg level is going down, and they cant rule out ectopic, tak boleh jugak locate where is it. 

PREGNANCY WITH UNKNOWN LOCATION (PUL) dengan reducing trend of hcg signs of FAILING PREGNANCY. 

So the only parameter diorang boleh rely on is the beta hcg level.

Ada pakar macam insist nak OT, ada yang rasa tunggu ada better confirmation like sakit amat/bleeding banyak baru go in. I follow je la plan diorang, not my expertise pun. They know better.

Darah ni dah berbelas belas tiub diorang ambil untuk testing. 

The kantung either too small/dah rupture tapi tak nampak free fluids ke apa ntah diorang cakap so memang tak boleh confirm mana. 

So they only can monitor beta hcg & stat OT if pain score naik + heavy bleeding.

Their main concern is the unknown location of the kantung. Ye memang tkde keluar anything weird, so lagi blur.

Masa ni tak tahu nak doa macam mana sebab hari hari puasa standby masuk OT.

I sampai tak berani nak rasa sakit kot tetibe masuk OT, dia bukan apa sebab rasa macam aku tak jumpa mak ayah, tak jumpa anak. 

Masuk OT tu seram oi, sebab my previous major surgery complications dulu masa bersalin adik. Apatah lagi bila doktor kata memang laparoscopic tu not an option due to my high risk for emergency open surgery tu.

So diorang akan terus opt open surgery. Entah lah diorang. Tapi teringat sejuk gila bilik OT memang rass meremang bulu roma.

Masa ni zikir je la sebab rasa banyaknya lagi nak baiki sebagai hambaNya 😭

Allah…tawakal je la.

Beta hcg turun.

Tapi turun pada paras masih tak selamat.m

Habis my surgery/op noted diorang trace balik and study to prepare incase kena go in. Yeee sebab 2017 tu memang ada few complications, blood loss, transfuse darah and macam macam lah lagi.

So diorang tak boleh rule out ectopic, tak boleh jugak cakap normal pregnancy - it is unknown location.

Ubat kuatkan rahim pun diorang tak bagi sebab risk of ectopic masih ada. So im a bit sedih, means i tunggu and lalui je la proses ‘miscarriage’ tu.

Over almost 1 week, agaknya hospital bed pun penuh and tengok pain i dah ok skit and i dah boleh jalan tegak sikit, boleh la discharge.

Setiap hari tukar orang dekat wing i, i je setia lama dekat situ 😅

Akhirnya doktor discharge tapi dengan syarat sama;

✅ Repeat beta hcg level 07072021

✅ TCA o&g 08072022

✅ Repeat TV Scan ( scan bawah)

✅ STAT hospital if heavy bleeding + pain score increasing.

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✅ 07072021 - 08072021

Im still in pain on off, i had worst pain before and tahan without pain killers so setakat sikit skit ni i dont mind. 3 doktor cakap perkara sama my pain threshold sangat tinggi, which worries them. 😂

Malam tu husband teman ke hospital, they took blood samples.

The next day on 8th repeat scan, unfortunately darah ambil malam sebelum diorang lupa inform lab tech run urgent. End up 10.30am baru nak run, darah ambil masa paling cepat pun 2-3jam results. So they ask me to go back and they will call sebab i dah ada since morning till noon.

That evening i got a call, hcg reducing tapi masihhlahhh belum kira selamat sebab the reducing trend is so slow.

Maka bermulalah episode kena ambil darah repeat beta hcg and i hope pagi ni LAST lah dah and selesai la bab ni and boleh conclude and tutup file ni.

I still ada pain sikit sikit, now i mula pantang makan bila i macam sah terima hakikat im loosing this pregnancy.

Nanti i share dia punya protocol bila kes kes lokasi pregnancy tak tahu mana ni.

Tapi inilah antara pengalaman tak akan dilupakan, sebab i mula study new condition yang i tak pernah ambil port sangat.

All i can say ada hari rasa macam sedih sangat, it means im loosing the pregnancy yang i hope miracalously become a normal pregnancy.

Certain days it breaks my heart that it means im loosing the pregnancy as it is faillings apatah lagi bila bleeding makin increase lepas i dah discharge (not alarming sampai need emergency attention).

Certain days rasa macam, takkan ini je aku boleh buat? Duduk and tunggu? 

Ada certain hari, aahhh setel je la semua ni i nak jumpa anak anak i.

But as the bleeding increase i know i need to prepare emotionally and mentally if finally doctor conclude and says that my hcg level is dropping to a safe level and my pregnancy memang dah fail.

If its ectopic,  body i akan resorb balik.

If its in the womb it will come out with the blood.

Nothing much as its too early for them to detect.

As for today, i wanna setel the blood taking and hopefully the result can conclude terus this part of the case and i can move on for the other concern yang diorang discover during my checkup in hospital.

Im gonna take this one by one, as for the pregnancy part - failling/miscarriage what ever the term is.

Alhamdulillah, i think im at peace with it.

Belum rezeki, cuma the pain, the waiting & uncertainties really taking toll on me but i believe Allah knows best and i will come out stronger after this.

Most importantly, im getting better and better.

Itu satu kesyukuran, and i cant wait to have my kids back by my side.

I want to be able melasak balik macam biasa. Or maybe its a sign that Allah nak bagi;

“Take it easy Elyana Yazmin”

Allahualam…

All i know now… i wanna recover fast for my kids.

Handling them while im in pain breaks my heart. I wanna be healthy for them.

Mama rindu naim & adik, kadang tak sanggup nak video call sebab mama tak tahan sebenarnya sedih.

InsyaAllah today i believe we can finally put part if the journey in the past and its gonna be a better day.

Hal lain, itu nanti one by one kita setelkan, InsyaAllah 😘